Tuesday, August 13, 2013

coping with bittersweet milestones

In yoga we are taught that the root of suffering is attachment.  This doesn't mean not caring about the people/places/things in your life.  Living in the present moment, letting go, and identifying with the inner true Self, that shared collective energy (some call God), can reduce the suffering in your life.  The quote by Rumi resonated with me when I came across it by chance tonight.  Perhaps master yogis would say, "life in balance is learning to let go." How does a parent handle non-attachment?

As a new mother I never thought my heart would ache as much as it does to see my son grow up.  Of course, all parents want to see their children healthy and thriving.  But there is something terribly bittersweet as your child passes each developmental milestone.  Time goes insanely fast on baby-time and I feel each day is a celebration and mourning.

I am certain that infertility compounds this bittersweet dichotomy. I waited over four years to get this sweet baby boy in my arms.  And now in a mere 4 months he is trying his hardest to scoot around on the floor and grow up on me. Although I feel like I am doing a good job living in the present moment, milestones are met with a cheer and a tear. Somehow I must not be totally in the moment and I need to continue to search for where that moment-leak is at. Why do I hang on so hard? Is it the fear that life will never be as good as it is at this very moment?

I hypothesize that the only way to reduce this pain is to somehow fully accept and live in the present moment, meditate, and to not be attached to my son in his little body but instead to see him as his big Self. This is a lesson I am trying to learn daily and hope that I learn gently. 

Have you ever felt this bittersweet feeling and how do you cope?  Please comment below for other mothers searching for guidance and comfort.


  1. Well written Renae! I don't think I have any advice really except that I try to accept change and welcome new developments (easier said...). I guess we need to live in the moment. Sometimes I get so held up with, 'Needing to remember.' But I also don't want to spend all my time behind a camera.

  2. I never felt bittersweet about my little one going through milestones outside from pure proud moments (despite 10 yrs of infertility)!! I have always been encouraging for his own autonomy, being able to do it by himself (Now that he's 2 and through the year to come, I expect for it to be more needed and requested)... THAT SAID... when he brought from his bedroom, into the living room his megablocks to play that kind of reached my heart... (Don't we all have that picture perfect idea of kids playing lego in the middle of our living room ?). I guess as it went I just fully accepted it and lived in the moment as much as possible (I tend to naturally live in the future)...
    Now, pregnant with little boy #2 and considering if he will be or not our last child... I wonder of the feelings then...

  3. I am one of your subbies on YouTube and I follow your blog as well. I found your channel when I was ttc with PCOS and our little miracles are only about 4 weeks apart:)I feel exactly like you described above so I'm glad to hear its normal. Your "cheer and a tear" is the perfect description. I do think that infertility makes you more keenly aware of this paradox because we didn't know if we'd ever get to enjoy these moments and we (I) live with a nagging fear that my uncooperative reproductive system will prevent me from experiencing these precious infant stages again. Thank you for sharing your feelings - It was so encouraging to open your blog and see this post since this has been on my mind daily as I watch the hours literally fly by..


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